Yesterday my watch died. That was very hurtful as they don’t make those anymore. And the new breed of “smart” watches feel so intrusive (demonic) to me…
Today, the watch in my water-room died. That was very shocking and destabilizing, because it was the one that told me the time of moon/sun cycles.
Both things happened ‘first thing in the morning’.
I was frightened for a second (was it a second?)
Exactly 2 weeks ago I had decided to change my relationship with time (and now this happens?)
To give some context, my relationship with time was built on utmost fear/avoidance. Time has always been the scariest thing in existence to me, resulting in a “flight/freeze” response, where I just act as if it just doesn’t exist, and when it does, I escape.
I don’t know… This is exactly why. It is just so frightening to consider that everything exists within a ‘frame’ that cannot be comprehended, controlled, or realized. In the most abstract sense, time doesn’t exist in my comprehension but in relation to itself: i.e. a second is the distance between two points, but each point in itself cannot be comprehended, because each point is the distance between two points, thus, it is impossible to realize a “unit” of time. And then in my head it feels very imaginary and unreal… But it is Time that we’re talking about here, the measure of all things and the Realest thing in the Universe!!
Exactly 2 years ago I did something that fundamentally changed my ‘metaphysics’/world. I thought I had ‘peeked’ through time! I somehow could kinda see the future?! OK, to be most conservative, let’s say, I had experienced non-linear time. Funny enough, it wasn’t a new experience in itself, I just sat with it and acknowledged it. I saw it! But it is something that we do all the time! I time-travel to the past in my head a lot, but to travel to the future was something new!
So for the past year, I have been playing with time so many games. And none other than my dearest Poes inspired me to approach this playfully! She doesn’t understand/need a watch yet she exists in crazy synchronicity with time! And she recognizes when I am out of sync that she starts scolding me …
At some point, I got so confused by my own games that I forgot the material linearity of time, and was behaving as if what I have foresaw has already materialized. Ironically, this threw me so much out of Harmony with my Self, and again, was the most frightening experience ever (imagine if your heart was beating in reverse… pulling blood from where it should pump and pushing blood where it should pull!)
By now I’m considering if the death of my watches symbolizes a push for me to watch my inner watch? To sit with/in Time with the beating of my heart. To watch my own rhythm within the world, regardless of the meaningless numbers on a screen. To relate to time as a divine song. To hear the angels within me sing?