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Here’s a simple truth/narrative to hold on to:
All I’ve ever wanted is to be a عالم/scholar/scientist/a Knowing person
Then to use that knowledge for a true benefit of creation
But then an anxiety formed:
what kind of knowledge? And how?
I became so anxious about all this that I evaded knowing or even living
I was frozen in front of a huge gate with bolted doors inscribed “You imperceptible mortal got no time to Know..”
“Reality” told me that I needed 3 lifetimes to have enough knowledge just to begin tackling what I wanted to achieve :- to be so knowledgeable that I can substantially make an everlasting influence that is most definitely positive
I was afraid of being wrong – that my influence would be making things worse
I was afraid of being ignorant – that I’d have no influence
I was afraid of not knowing enough – that I’d have no confidence/courage to make a dent
I was afraid that I don’t deserve it and I’m not worth it – that I’d toil day and night for nothing
📃 “Hell in Heaven”
It happened again – a dream from another world.
Although this dream was on a whole other level!
I wasn’t myself. Rather, I was a self that I have been trying to discipline my whole life
(Well, would be more accurate to say it is a self that I have been trying to annihilate my whole life; “my worst self” or “my demons” would be the common expression– Fire. Explosive. Violent. Angry.)
📃 “Shadows of the Self”
Let’s go check the guest wing of this huge-ass apartment of yours! Maybe you can host some students who have been living in camps like refugees!
– But I don’t have a “guest wing”… That was just a dream..
Surely you do! Do you remember that time when you spent the night there because your ex-lover had to spend the night at yours? Or the day you had a fancy dinner together with your old and new friends?
– Ah yes… I do remember those moments, true! OK .. Let’s check it out… Although sleeping is so comfortable and cozy and fun I don’t wanna get up yet..
Yesterday my watch died. That was very hurtful as they don’t make those anymore. And the new breed of “smart” watches feel so intrusive (demonic) to me…
Today, the watch in my water-room died. That was very shocking and destabilizing, because it was the one that told me the time of moon/sun cycles.
Both things happened ‘first thing in the morning’.
I was frightened for a second (was it a second?)
📃 “syncing with the tempo of time”
It’s been two months since I arrived in Utrecht after an abrupt lockdown in Jeddah for 7 months. It was (/is) so surreal to be back here. Suddenly, I was (mentally) sent back in time – the places, the memories, the scents, the scenes… Thoughts I thought I had ‘gotten over’ simply resurrected themselves out of things. Automatic behaviors that I forgot, suddenly were reflexive out of nothing.