All I’ve ever wanted is to be a عالم/scholar/scientist/a Knowing person
Then to use that knowledge for a true benefit of creation
But then an anxiety formed:
what kind of knowledge? And how?
I became so anxious about all this that I evaded knowing or even living
I was frozen in front of a huge gate with bolted doors inscribed “You imperceptible mortal got no time to Know..”
“Reality” told me that I needed 3 lifetimes to have enough knowledge just to begin tackling what I wanted to achieve :- to be so knowledgeable that I can substantially make an everlasting influence that is most definitely positive
I was afraid of being wrong – that my influence would be making things worse
I was afraid of being ignorant – that I’d have no influence
I was afraid of not knowing enough – that I’d have no confidence/courage to make a dent
I was afraid that I don’t deserve it and I’m not worth it – that I’d toil day and night for nothing
It happened again – a dream from another world.
Although this dream was on a whole other level!
I wasn’t myself. Rather, I was a self that I have been trying to discipline my whole life
(Well, would be more accurate to say it is a self that I have been trying to annihilate my whole life; “my worst self” or “my demons” would be the common expression– Fire. Explosive. Violent. Angry.)
It’s been two months since I arrived in Utrecht after an abrupt lockdown in Jeddah for 7 months. It was (/is) so surreal to be back here. Suddenly, I was (mentally) sent back in time – the places, the memories, the scents, the scenes… Thoughts I thought I had ‘gotten over’ simply resurrected themselves out of things. Automatic behaviors that I forgot, suddenly were reflexive out of nothing.