All I’ve ever wanted is to be a عالم/scholar/scientist/a Knowing person
Then to use that knowledge for a true benefit of creation
But then an anxiety formed:
what kind of knowledge? And how?
I became so anxious about all this that I evaded knowing or even living
I was frozen in front of a huge gate with bolted doors inscribed “You imperceptible mortal got no time to Know..”
“Reality” told me that I needed 3 lifetimes to have enough knowledge just to begin tackling what I wanted to achieve :- to be so knowledgeable that I can substantially make an everlasting influence that is most definitely positive
I was afraid of being wrong – that my influence would be making things worse
I was afraid of being ignorant – that I’d have no influence
I was afraid of not knowing enough – that I’d have no confidence/courage to make a dent
I was afraid that I don’t deserve it and I’m not worth it – that I’d toil day and night for nothing
It happened again – a dream from another world.
Although this dream was on a whole other level!
I wasn’t myself. Rather, I was a self that I have been trying to discipline my whole life
(Well, would be more accurate to say it is a self that I have been trying to annihilate my whole life; “my worst self” or “my demons” would be the common expression– Fire. Explosive. Violent. Angry.)
Let’s go check the guest wing of this huge-ass apartment of yours! Maybe you can host some students who have been living in camps like refugees!
– But I don’t have a “guest wing”… That was just a dream..
Surely you do! Do you remember that time when you spent the night there because your ex-lover had to spend the night at yours? Or the day you had a fancy dinner together with your old and new friends?
– Ah yes… I do remember those moments, true! OK .. Let’s check it out… Although sleeping is so comfortable and cozy and fun I don’t wanna get up yet..
Yesterday my watch died. That was very hurtful as they don’t make those anymore. And the new breed of “smart” watches feel so intrusive (demonic) to me…
Today, the watch in my water-room died. That was very shocking and destabilizing, because it was the one that told me the time of moon/sun cycles.
Both things happened ‘first thing in the morning’.
Under ‘normal’ circumstances, “intimacy” designates a closeness, a proximity, an alignment, a fusion even. Such intimacy is then attributed to two souls, minds, hearts, or bodies.
But there is an other sense of intimacy that I have never noticed this vividly before. It is more profound, yet very subtle. It is only the pandemic + alienation experience that led me to see it like this.
Typically, people politely criticise this online-everything life as being “not the same”. Of course it is not the same when your work, your social life, your love life, your entertainment, travel, and… being are all done behind a screen. But what is actually missing?
