Hell in Heaven

Here’s a simple truth/narrative to hold on to:
All I’ve ever wanted is to be a عالم/scholar/scientist/a Knowing person
Then to use that knowledge for a true benefit of creation
But then an anxiety formed:
what kind of knowledge? And how?
I became so anxious about all this that I evaded knowing or even living
I was frozen in front of a huge gate with bolted doors inscribed “You imperceptible mortal got no time to Know..”
“Reality” told me that I needed 3 lifetimes to have enough knowledge just to begin tackling what I wanted to achieve :- to be so knowledgeable that I can substantially make an everlasting influence that is most definitely positive
I was afraid of being wrong – that my influence would be making things worse
I was afraid of being ignorant – that I’d have no influence
I was afraid of not knowing enough – that I’d have no confidence/courage to make a dent
I was afraid that I don’t deserve it and I’m not worth it – that I’d toil day and night for nothing

Today I listened to the lecture of  اسم الله الحليم ٢
And the thing that caught my attention the most are the stories of being kind to the wicked.
My tantrums, my pain, my infidelity and my despair all ensue from hating my wickedness – this is how I stormed out of the KYH clinic “I’m sick and tired of undergoing all these heart surgeries, people propping and prodding me like that– God damn it let it just die!” is what I said.
I am wicked, because I’m human, is it possible to make peace with that and dance forward with it? Else I’m denying الغفور الغفار الحليم التواب
This is my greatest shadow against being – No matter what, you remain a human, a wicked being by design – God damn it I wish I never existed : This is the portal that demons use day and night to rape me…  Shame shame shame
I am shaming myself for the fact that during 2020, 2021, 2022 I was distracted by:
      1. Who is God? Where is God? How do I interact with God? What about the devil? Is God relevant in solving our problems or are we left alone in a dumb universe to fend for ourselves using dumb logic and ‘things’? To what extent can God help? How do we get God’s help? Is it extendible or personal? How do I know it’s God and I’m not being deceived? Which path towards God is the right one? Does it even have to be this complicated or can I just “go with the flow”? But what about religion? What about what all the prophets had said? What am I supposed to do with all that in this 21st century?
      2. What’s happening to the world? Mass pandemics, rich people who want to rewrite society, using science as a new form of “religion”, money being created out of nothing. What is this “capitalism” that everyone is bashing? Clearly I’m part of it. Should I stop? What am I supposed to do “morally”? What is my moral stance towards this world? What am I supposed to do?
      3. What am I? What is my agency? Where do I start and where do I end? Am I an organism part of an organ part of a greater Being? Am I an individual interacting with a greater Web? Am I parasite living on a meaningless rock drifting through space? What are my needs? How do I fulfill my needs? What is the right food for me? How do I feed myself? What is sex? What is gender?
      4. What is color? What is joy? What is it to be male? Can I be feminine? Can I be? How do I be? What is Being? Am I back to square one? I feel close to answering “my essential question”. But am I reducible to a cognitive formulation? Shouldn’t the answer be a way of being and not a sentence? Isn’t the cognitive-linguistic formulation (a sentence) stating an identity the first step into a way of being?
      5. What is the Lived equivalent of بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم? Am I worthy of uttering it? What’s the value of mud? What was the secret of Adam that the angels fell down to their knees once Adam exalted God with it? I know for a fact it has something to do with alchemy. Alchemy?!
      6. Why am I in chemistry when all I ever wanted was to study the ESOTERIC (erotic? No – erm ESOteric) But chemistry is the esoteric natural science! You’re where you belong, you are here! Do it!!
      7. Chemistry! If God had a body this would be the study of God’s cells.. It is the modern Monadology. It is everything I ever dreamed of devoting my life to. It is where all knowledge meet, melt, and mingle to form Physical Reality. But I don’t feel any of this…
      8. Chemistry! The science that broke the world. The science of raping mother earth day in day out. The science of transforming higher matter into lower – the science of turning the ashes of our ancient ancestors into single-use plastic for seconds of fake pleasure. The science of resurrecting more souls into a fake heaven of fleeting moments . This is the devil, desecrating the 8 gates of heaven. The dark wins with the aid of the angels, thanks to human-gods, we made it!
      9. TAKE ME OUT OF HERE! SHUT UP! Where’s my cat?! Poes! STOP STOP STOP
      10. Now there’s war
      11. Now you’ll be the One who solves it All? Excuse me no, don’t be silly! I don’t mean the world’s problems, just your list of questions up there (I know, why do I ask myself what everybody is asking?) Can I just have a normal life? Where is my family? Should I go back? But maybe I’ll find Love here. But here is the land of capitalism and imperialism and I don’t think I can fall in love with normal people and this is the land of “normaal” can we just…
– that I couldn’t go to the lab 9 to 5 , 5 days a week to work on my PhD.
– that I swore a sacred oath to climb a mountain, but instead I got distracted diving into the lake next to it, for I was told it contained holy sunken binoculars that would make me the queen of the mountain and will allow me to call on a sun that doesn’t set!
– that I wasn’t sure anymore if climbing the mountain is what I should be doing. I didn’t know why I was doing anything anymore…
I’m not saying I was mistaken to have questions and dare ask them.. I just wish to have more faith that all my questions will be answered in time.
The root anxiety is that I wanted to know the right answers so that I don’t do anything wrong.
This is impossible.
My root anxiety was/is refusing to partake in the greatest gift God has ever created: to allow sin. To do it wrong with the Trust that “if it’s an honest mistake, God will help us fix it” but to do it. To do it. Just do it!
And so, the point is not to get this or that out of it.
In true essence, God takes care of this world. The world does not need me. And if the world needs some saving that I am to play a role in, then it will not be a big deal for me to do it. There is no need for needless martyrdom. There is no extra-points for extra unnecessary pain. AlGhany doesn’t need my help. But would be pleased to see me make small gestures of Love, and will take it and grow it and release it into the Universe in Perfection and Harmony AND actually give me credit for it!
All I truly essentially really want, is to spend as long as I cannot imagine getting intimate with God. I want to spend eternities in Paradise studying the True nature of Truth.
This whole “science” career is just child’s play / training / preparation for me so that I can join the most prestigious research group ever in existence.
I want to stop stressing over my impact on earth or my worth or how good of a scientist I am or whether I’d have greater influence or joy or visibility…etc somewhere else sometime else some other out else…
It’s all here, it’s all now. Right here. Right now.
I just want to spend as much time as possible internalizing and building the scholar me.
An entity that expends its entirety to genuinely explore with passion and intimacy.
I just want to spend my whole life doing this so that in the thereafter I may finally–really do it properly.
(Because as long as we’re on Earth, whatever I study, will be all shadows, and what I truly want, is the Real. Whereever I go in this realm, I won’t be Satiated.)
And thus I let go of all my dreams and desires and I’ll let them all melt into this Reality: If it happens it happens, I won’t be chasing fame nor glory. I don’t expect to find “love” nor do I want to want validity. I am who I am and God had put me here just to Witness.
I’m not saying I will spend my whole life in passivity, on the contrary, but I will play with “self-actualizing” differently.
It isn’t this holy grail that I need to go out on quests chasing – it’s simply the ability to stay Here and See. God will provide for me what I Truly need to accomplish what I Truly need.
So, in summary, لبيك اللهم لبيك


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